Today I fought a couple of things that threatened to de-rail me. I managed to work through them, but I’m seriously falling out of love with this diet. Whereas I felt happy and healthy on paleo and like there were still so many options available to me, AIP makes every meal-time or hunger pang a complete pain. And the cravings for non-AIP foods are getting stronger.
So, what was the deal with today? First, I forgot my lunch and had to go out and try and find something to eat somewhere – this is getting increasingly more difficult as the weather drops colder and colder and the only options are salad. Especially because eating salad you haven’t made yourself is very rarely satisfying and filling. I think most places assume if you’re eating salad, you don’t want to eat very much. But are still happy to be charged ridiculous sums of money. Luckily, I tried somewhere new and she made me a bit of a mega salad with everything on the menu I could eat – which included multiple helpings of meat. She was a diamond. First potential disaster averted.
Second, even though that salad was excellent, I found myself getting pretty hungry in the afternoon. I wanted to avoid dates as I had a ridiculous pain spike last night just before bed and I’m putting it down to eating an entire bag of dates during the day. So I bought a smaller bag of prunes instead. I haven’t eaten prunes since I was a kid and used to hang out with my grandparents more.
I ate the whole bag. What is wrong with me? I regretted it. I had such bad indigestion all afternoon and all evening it was unreal. At least my cheat was more AIP-friendly than eating a whole bar of chocolate though. I need to be more careful, but it’s not that bad.
Next up, it was meetup night again tonight, which means I have to watch people drink cocktails and eat lots of really tasty pizza while I chow down on my plain chicken salad. Oh, how bored I am of plain chicken salad. Seriously. I never wanted to eat pizza so badly in my life. I didn’t of course. But it was almost distracting how much I wanted to.
Aargh, I wanted to pull my hair out today. It felt like temptation was everywhere. After that dirty chocolate cake trying to tempt me yesterday, suddenly I’m noticing forbidden treats all over the place. They had an event at work yesterday and there were leftover blueberry and chocolate chip muffins by the dozen in the office. I got to the train station this evening and I was so tempted to get a Twirl from the vending machine.
These cravings never seemed to be like this when I was eating paleo. Not only that, but I feel stressed with it now. I’m tired. And I feel ridiculous being at a startup event that I organise, serving food that I don’t eat. No that I could eat pizza on paleo, but at least I’d be able to have tomatoes in my salad. And I keep coming back to… what if I don’t even have interstitial cystitis? I still haven’t seen a specialist because the NHS is RUBBISH. What if all I’m doing by eating this way is causing myself unnecessary stress and anguish?
I am also aware as I’m writing this that my brain is totally trying to rationalise my way out of this diet. Trying to find reasons why I shouldn’t continue. The stupid thing is this anguish is self-imposed. I could end this any minute if I wanted to. I could just decide I’m not going to eat AIP any more. But I can’t. I can’t allow myself to fail. I could be so close to getting better. And I’d never know if I stopped. It’s a bit like playing the same number on the lottery each week. You can’t stop. What if your numbers came out next week?
Every day is different and it feels a bit of an emotional rollercoaster again at the moment. Today I can’t wait for this diet to be over. Maybe tomorrow I’ll feel better. Here’s hoping or this weekend will be difficult as I’m running an event from Friday until Sunday and temptation will be everywhere – mostly in the form of coffee and chocolate.
Grrr. This is so tough. Do you have days like this? How do you get through them?
Breakfast: Banana, avocado and berry smoothie
Lunch: Chicken, ham and pastrami salad with artichoke
Dinner: Plain chicken salad
Snacks: Bag of prunes
Pain level (out of 10)
Woke up with pain around 3, went away very early on. No more bladder pain for the rest of the day. Had a lot of indigestion today though after eating the prunes.